The subject seems like a taboo but the more it comes up the more I find that it isn't and I was never alone. I've met so many others that suffer just like me. You are not alone! :)
What is it like? (note: I attempted suicide 12 years ago. I presently live a happy life with some ups and downs! ;)
Dark. SO DARK. And cold. Sooo fucking cold. Alone. Scared. No where to turn, not sure why it's happening or what it means. Ashamed, a feeling of uniqueness that separates you and whispers in your ear that you're alone on this planet and no one understands you so don't bother reaching out for help. That whisper gains in strength and becomes a dominate force pulling you back from everything that is anything that might be good for you. Trapped without the ability to even see that you're trapped because if you could see, you would realize how many other options you really have. It's like one of those movies that are stressful to watch where the actor is being set up but can't see it, urgh..
In hindsight the act of suicide didn't just appear overnight. It actually began years, maybe even a decade before it showed up on the surface. In fact in my instance suicide was really just a symptom. Yes. A symptom of poor programming and undeveloped coping mechanisms crying out for help while the root problem is insidiously hidden deep in the darkness of memories and poor programming.
The poor programming was drinking at an early age. I had the best parents you could have, they gave me everything a boy needs. I just had a curious mind that wanted to explore what the adults were doing. Little did I know at the time but I was crippling my ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms - I was programming my system and in a weird way grooming that little whisper. Encouraging it, teaching it about my weaknesses and my vulnerabilities so that when the time was right it could bury me. And bury me it did.
I battled about 2 years of crippling anxiety and dark depression before I tried taking my life. But when I made the attempt, it wasn't dramatic, no one really even knew....
I snuck into my RA's dorm room, stole about 8 percocets went back to my room, popped them back and chugged a mad dog 20/20 (sophisticated college libation). About 24 hours later I awoke to my roommate playing NFL Blitz, his first comment; "Duuude. You've been asleep for like a whole day!" Numb. Completely fucking numb. I was aware of what I did and I didn't care.
WTF....
I walked into the communal bathroom on our dorm room floor shrugging the incident off as though it never happened. But the truth is it did and it was a defining moment for me. In a weird way, suicide helped me face death and put life into perspective. After all, we're all going to die one day - facing that or welcoming it opens life up to you in ways that you could have never imagined.
I'm not suggesting you try suicide like it's some sort of new age yoga class. I am however suggesting that you try welcoming death and becoming OK with your impending doom that is more like a jack-in-the-box then a date on a calendar. Afterall, who knows when it's going to pop? Being OK with that level of uncertainty has seemed to put my life on a different course than it was previously and I like it. We're living in a period of time that is incredibly uncertain, becoming OK with the biggest piece of uncertainty in your life might just be what you're searching for.
Also, more significantly in a round about way I suppose I'm hoping that my experience can be a bridge. For those that are considering the un-considerable, know that it's not your only option and in-fact this too shall pass and good times are on their way. AND on the other side of this you might have a new pair of lenses to look at life through that you'll really like. Atleast I do and I've been there...
It's not worth it. You are valuable. You are loved. You are needed here, we all need each other to make it through this! :) That's why we're here afterall.
Reach out and connect with someone. Share vulnerably about what you are suffering from and sit back in awe at how vulnerability breeds vulnerability. Connection is the cure after all..
Shoot me a note if it helps!